Our Marriage Journey, Part 7
BROCK: I expected to be approached by people who knew we were separated. I figured some would confront me about my issues, or some who believed Jess was overreacting and controlling would show concern. However, hardly anyone came to talk to either Jess or me. A few people checked in, but for the most part, no one said anything. We had our therapists and support group but beyond that, we were left with mostly silence.
Within my mens group, I found accountability and community; two things I was desperately needing. I put in the work and made progress in the program. I was trying hard, and some results were beginning to appear.
I found out that I still could very easily slip back into the familiar patterns of the destructive lifestyle I was working to replace.
One day, I began to rationalize and minimize my behavior. I continued down this path until the evening when I relapsed. I had fallen so deep into denial and apathy that when I told Jess about the relapse I acted like it wasnt a big deal. When you allow denial to creep back into your life, apathy always follows close behind.
My attempts to minimize and justify my relapse alarmed Jess, and she told me that if I believed I had truly done the best I could that she wanted a divorce. I knew that I hadn't done the best I could, and I confessed that. I was humble and took responsibility for my relapse. This response gave Jess peace and strength to carry on.
I continued to work the program, and began to take it far more seriously. I put more guard rails in place that let me know if I was heading toward denial and relapse. Jess and I also created a safety plan with clear boundaries in case another relapse was to occur. I developed more self awareness and began to take better care of myself. I was recovering for me.
Through this, I also became more interested and attentive to the needs of others. I started to listen more, see more, and care more about my children and what was going on in their lives. I noticed and appreciated things about Jess that I hadn't in the past. I became more present, more relaxed and more confident.
Around this time I began to truly love my wife for the first time. Early on in my recovery, I was still focused on me and how I was working hard and performing at recovery. That self focus held the door open for resentment to walk back into my life, which only reminded me of what I wanted but didn’t have. Resentment would be followed by apathy and denial.
We kept working, kept meeting for monthly dinner meetings to see how each other was doing.
After much time and trust building, one day I asked her if she was ready to start pursuing reconciliation to come back together.
She said yes with confidence, but not without fears. It was a decision we didn’t make lightly, but we were committed and hopeful.
