Our Marriage Journey, Part 2

JESSICA: Most days, I still don’t have words to describe the bad days, but to my soul, it was as if breathing itself was just too hard.

I wondered why I couldn’t handle it better. That it was because I was not selfless enough. That maybe I was unforgiving and bitter, and had framed him in the wrong light. After all, he was such a good father with such a sensitive good heart. If only we could somehow have more good days.

I thought my prayers would change him if I had enough faith in them. That one day, his empty promises will take hold on his heart if I just kept believing.

Who was I to ruin the family by separating us? Taking my children’s daddy away and destroying any hope of trust or restoration in our marriage. How would we survive if I took our marriage vows into my own hands?

I thought if I stayed visually unaffected, he could focus better and take responsibility. I thought if I showed my children how to respect and obey him no matter what he did, it would protect them from the grief and dysfunction.

Maybe more sex would help. Maybe I just needed to find the right therapist. The right marriage book. The right support group. The right church.

I minimized.

I reasoned.

I believed.

I prayed.

I gave.

I submitted.

From the first day of our honeymoon til we neared our 7th anniversary.

The reality was this. My husband needed to make his own choices to pursue recovery. He was floundering in shame and unresolved trauma as his sexual addiction slowly came to the surface. The effects of that were destroying all of us, as it presented in emotionally abusive ways.

He was not the only one shrouded in false safety cloaks of denial.

I was terrified of being alone. I was stuck panicking between fear and codependency. The person who hurt me the most was also the one who was holding my identity, reputation, and future.

I was scared half to death of what people would think. We had perfected a happy and romanticized front. I was already so weak from the marriage pain, the response I expected from those who supposedly knew us felt like too much.

I initiated boundaries and a separation because I was weakening. I was losing myself, sinking into depression. I needed to pursue healing for me regardless of his choices. I had to stop responding to what I thought was best for him. I had to stop taking responsibility of his choices and his consequences. I had to find the courage to step back and begin to take ownership for what was healthy for me.

I wasn’t able to be the mommy my children needed, which woke me up more than anything at the time. My children needed at least one present and healthy parent. They needed to see consistent boundaries and safe relationships modeled.

I tell this part of our story in detail because I have seen so many women lose hope in imprisonment of their own fears and confusion. At the time, there was no clarity to understand what was going on. There were so many opposing voices telling me what to do. I could not see past the fog so the only thing that made sense was to take a step back to reflect and focus. It was the most life-changing thing I ever did.