Our Marriage Journey, Part 4
JESSICA: We drove the 1.5 hrs in heavy silence to tell our therapist we planned to separate. She told us there were two kinds of separation. A separation to divorce or one with the hope of reconciliation. To be honest, I didn’t have a goal in mind at that point. Separating was a last resort and I thought we had tried everything. I didn’t have any energy left anymore, but I told her if there was a way to heal that we hadn’t tried yet, I would choose that over a divorce.
Brock agreed and was willing to do whatever it took. We left her office that day with a plan. Whether it would work or not was out of my hands.
Here are some things we committed to:
Brock would move out as soon as he found a place to live. There was no set amount of time he would be gone.
Brock would attend a weekly men’s recovery/ accountability group and I would join a women’s support group.
Brock and I would both receive weekly therapy sessions separately.
We would write down and agree to personal boundaries and weekly schedule of what to expect during our time of separation.
* We also listed the changes we would need to make and maintain if reconciliation would ever become a possibility.
Brock moved out on July 4th 2021. It felt harsh and final. Our son was five and our daughter was one. My heart was shattered on their behalf. They lost the thing I had always wanted most for them; a loving secure family. But it had happened long before that day.
Those first weeks were so difficult. A dear friend came to spend that first week with me. What a comfort and blessing to be in the presence of someone I felt safe to be open with.
I was terrified to go to sleep in a quiet house at night alone with my babies.
Terrified to face any human who knew me.
Terrified to come to terms with my own codependency and lost identity.
Terrified of being alone.
Terrified of the unknown.
But day after day, night after night I survived. My heart grieved and ached. I learned to empathize with myself. I found understanding, validation and encouragement every Wednesday night in a group of genuine ladies navigating difficult marriages.
I started to pursue wholeness within myself. I began to rely on myself and God alone to find all that I needed to be complete. I started coming back to the present and I found little moments of joy and peace there. It gave me courage and comfort. After the kids were sleeping I would play worship music and let the tears flow. I was finally face to face with my whole heart and all it carried. Face to face with all of reality.
